Cooling Down The Atmosphere

There is no perfect time to deal with heart matter
Just like there is no perfect time when life give you a challenge
There is no ‘supposed to be like this’ or ‘it should be like that’
We are not God. We are not a ruler. Or in this case. I am no God or a ruler.

I can’t control what happen in other’s mind or heart.
Just like I can’t control people’s mind about me.
What I can control is my behaviour, my dignity, my attitude, my honour, my heart.
What I can control is trying my best not to make others hurt or disappointed.
What I believe is Trying my best to make everyone happy, though we can’t make everyone happy.

Too many theory can make us forget that life is not theory. Life is practical. Life is not measure by manual book. There is no manual book ” Live your life for Dummies” (atau ada? ).
It is just trial and error. If you fall, is not how far you fall, but how you can climb up again?

Eulogy for my Old Man

 

Actually i don’t know what to write for my old man. But few days after 100 days Dad’s ceremonial, i feel like missing him so much. In fact Mom quicidently said 2 days ago, in the daylight, she was crying like never cry before because missing him.
And that’s the same feeling i have right now.
So it was true, you never really missed someone until you lost him. Me and Dad, we were not that romantic dad-daughther relationship, you know. We argued.. a lot. Mostly about little things, me with my smart-ass attitude and Dad’s childish behaviour.. ūüôā
We expressed our love with jokes and laughing AT each other (not with) ;p and then arguing again, and¬†ending it with laughing at each other. But nevertheless he’s always there.. or he was …
I remembered the time i still took the bus, whenever I always came home late from work, Dad usually picked me up at bus station. Even when it was rain at night and he knew he can’t see clearly because he lost one of his sight.
He would still nagging and gave me lecture about how ¬†it’s not safe for a woman like me always came work late at night and bla bla.. but he never ask me to quit the job. He knew I love my job.
Yes, we didn’t talk love literally like¬†¬†‘i love you dad’. We were not that kind of family.
But he knew if i had problem,..
And i never forget that days when suddenly he asked me :”Opo Ndok?” (He spoke Javanese for this rare moments)¬†when that night he picked me up, ¬†while he turned up the motorbike and headed home. He maybe saw my crumpled face even that was night and he only have one poor eyesight.
Lately, ¬†i felt like i was heard “Opo Ndok” in my ears (or it because i want it to hear it).. and that moments flashed back.
At the weekend, at home usually always lived up with sound of javanese songs or gamelan or he’s trying to nembang. He liked to sat there at the bench and read newspaper while humming this kind of music that i would never understand.
Now, no more Dad’s humming
no more javanese gamelan music
no more his voice who try to ‘nembang’
Mom don’t have the spirit to listen it again after he’s gone. Even my neighbours missed his humming. ūüôĀ
I remembered one day we had argument, i forgot what we’ve been argued about, but he said, i remember clearly :”Berapa pun umur kamu, kamu tetap putri kecil bapak”.
And that’s what he did. When he got sicked, without our knowing, he prepared ¬†everything that he knew i don’t capable to. Mom told me afterward.
And when he was still here, he prepared me so i am ready when he’s not there.
Funny thing, i thought when we are older we can more ‘ikhlas’ when someone dearly died. But i think it’s not. Lost someone for good whatever age you are, it is the same shit sad, but just different age.
I thought i have done with crying on the day he died. But actually i never really really cried. My head was too shocked. I didn’t gave myself real time to mourn.. or private mourn for him. And Mom.. i didn’t dare let myself be vurnerable when she needed me most. She has the hardest part..
So, i guess at this moment, i can have private time to cherish memories with my old man. And i can cry.. privately. And say out loud that I miss him.. everyday.

Sad

Bergetar jantung ini ketika kupandang satu per satu

Kembali kupanggil semua memori
Setiap cerita, setiap jawaban, setiap karena dari pertanyaan
Sayangnya, semua berujung pada tanya tanya
Kupeluk semua kenangan manis yang kualami
Seakan-akan takut bahwa kenangan itu akan terkikis dan hilang
Kupeluk semua senyum tawa yang tercipta
Seakan-akan senyum dan tawa itu akan hilang dalam memori
Bergetar jantung ini ketika kupandangi satu per satu
Ada senyum bahagia milikmu
Ada belai kasih miliknya
Ada kebohongan di sana.
Kini malam tlah datang
Sebuah kesadaran pun tiba
Perpisahan yang menunggu membentang
Menebarkan luka di dada
Saat rindu ini menyiksa sangat
Suara hati datang mengingat
Pejamkan mata dan tarik sebuah nafas panjang
Ini akan berakhir sebentar lagi
Bergetar jantung ini ketika kupandang satu per satu
Bergetar tangan ini ketika menghapus airmata tak bersuara
Pejamkan mata dan tarik sebuah nafas panjang
Ini akan berakhir…. sebentar lagi
Bergetar hati ini ketika menyadari semua
Bagai teriakan tak bersuara, serta memejamkan mata
Apakah fajar akan menyembuhkan luka dan airmata?
Apakah surya akan membawa senyum kembali?
ps: Kitt, i hope you’re happy now.

Sebuah Helaan Nafas

Sebuah helaan nafas malam ini kuambil beberapa kali

Sebuah helaan nafas mengartikan kesal
Sebuah helaan nafas mengartikan heran
Sebuah helaan nafas mengartikan pengertian
Sebuah tarikan panjang nafas membawa energi
Sebuah helaan panjang nafas mengeluarkan emosi
Sebuah tarikan panjang nafas menyertakan luka
Sebuah helaan panjang nafas membuang pengharapan
Sebuah tarikan ke dalam membawa rasa kekuatiran
Sebuah helaan ke luar menyertakan keputusasan
Sebuah tarikan ke dalam membawa kesedihan di mata
Sebuah helaan ke luar memasangkan topeng ceria
Sebuah helaan nafas malam ini kuambil beberapa kali
dan kusadari ada lara hati disana
dan kusadari kasih tak sampai menyelinap disana
dan kusadari tetes tetes dari sudut jendela hati
dan kusadar,…. sebuah helaan nafas panjang kembali kuambil malam ini

 

Songs understand me

You know, sometimes when you’re in blue, songs understand you better ¬†especially if the problem is your romantic relationship.

 

And I don’t know why broken hearted songs seems so easy to create than happy songs. Really… why people suddenly become a poet when they are sad or in sorrow. Like sadness, loneliness, sorrow dig the creative nerve and voila! A poem is made. But, maybe it’s depends from the person. When I am sad, or angry, I don’t feel creative, I just want to kill people and crash him in to pieces.

Anyway….

I see you through smoky air, trying hard to control my heart. Still I refrain from talking at you. But, you know me well, I don’t need to explain. I gave all I could, but why you’re still call me your friend when you want me naked in your bed?

I am sure I am not being rude, but it’s your attitude that tearing me apart. Don’t call me at 3AM just to say ‘How you are missed me’, but then why were you holding her hand? Is that the way we stand? Were you lying all the time? Was it just a game to you?

I am such a fool for you.¬†You’ve got me wrapped around your finger.¬†And I’m in so deep. Don’t you know, I never wanted anyone like this, It’s all brand new. Can’t you feel the weight of my stare, you’re so close but still a world away. I need a little more

But what the hell, why do you think I come ’round like this¬†on my free will? Wasting all my precious time.

And all left me so sore, the thing that makes me mad, is the one thing that I had,

I knew I’d lose you. You’ll always be special to me. You said I was on your mind. Will I forget in time?

—–

So, can you guess, what songs that I make for this prose? ūüėÄ

Pray from a stranger

Jadi, hari ini ada kejadian lucu. Hmm mungkin lebih tepatnya ironi.

Gue ditelpon oleh telemarketer untuk penawaran asuransi.

Lo semua pasti pernah dong, malah mungkin sering, ditelpon oleh telemarketer asuransi untuk penawaran produk mereka.

Apa alasan yang biasa lo sampaikan agar mereka mengerti kalo lo ga tertarik dengan cara halus?

Kalo gue, biasanya, begini :

1. “Maaf mba, gak dulu yaa”. Buat telemarketer baru, ini udah penolakan. Mereka langsung mundur.

2. “Makasih ya mba/mas, saya sudah ada dari kantor jadi belum butuh asuransi lain.” — Ini gue keluarkan jika cara 1 ga berhasil.

3. “Errr…mas/mba, saya ada meeting. Maaf tidak bisa diganggu dulu,” — ini langsung gue keluarkan jika gue lagi ga mood dan tahu mereka dari bank (yang tidak lagi ada urusan sama gue).

4. “Begini mba/mas, saya sudah mengatur cashflow saya. Dan ini sudah balance untuk saya. Jadi untuk saat ini saya ga tertarik” — kalau agentnya mulai ngomong “Mengapa begitu? mengapa begini? Ini bisa melengkapi asuransi yang sudah dimiliki and bla bla bla” dan nyerocos soal kehebatan produk mereka.

Nah, yang pagi ini menelpon gue, sepertinya cukup lihat dalam mengatasi tolakan-tolakan calon customer. Semua cara 1-4 gue ternyata tidak bergeming buat dia. Karena merasa tersudut, akhirnya keluarlah curcol gue.

5. “Mba, saya itu udah gak punya sisa duit lagi buat asuransi lainnya. Udah pas banget uang saya. Jadi gak bisa juga mba..” — akhirnya keluar deh curhatnya. Gue pikir si mba bakal langsung respon “oohh begituu yaa bu..lain kali mungkin ya” atau semacamnya dan memutuskan hubungan telpon. Lah, tak disangka tak diduga, respon dia:

“Oh kalo begitu buat anaknya mungkin bu..” ujarnya

“Saya belum menikah” sahut gue pendek.

“Tapi pasangan sudah ada kan..” katanya mancing. Waah, ini mba telemarketer cari masalah. -___-

“Aminn.” jawab gue pendek dan supaya dia tidak memperpanjang lagi. Eh, malah jawabannya:

“Kalau gitu, saya doakan, semoga tahun depan bisa melangsungkan pernikahan dengan pasangannya, dan diberikan buah hati…lalala”

Gue udah gak dengerin sisanya karena ini sangat menggelikan sekaligus mengharukan.

Gue cuma bisa merespon “hahahaha.. ammiinn yang mbaa…” tapi dibalik suara ramah, ada cengiran paksa.

Akhirnya ditutuplah telponnya.

Tadinya gue mau ketawa karena geli dengerin si mba telemarketer, dan ya ngapain sih, dia gak tau apa-apa soal gue, tapi kemudian gue merenung dan menyadari kalau si mba telemarketer ini mendoakan gue. Entah niatnya tulus atau gak, but she did pray for me. Entah karena gue curcol apa yah, but I am happy knowing someone stranger pray for me.

Well, mba Telemarketer CIGNA, maaf karena gue gak bisa jadi customer anda, but your prayer got me, and i hope you have bless for what you’ve seed. ūüôā

33

 

27th Oct 2014

Yeayyy Happy Birthday to me!
Today I am officially 33 years old. Whew! Thé number is really gives me an ooozzz feeling.

Like my prayer last night, 33 is twin number. Twin means double.. number that expect me to do two times better, two times wiser, two times mature, two times responsible, two times effort.

They said numbers doesn’t matter. They say being older doesn’t mean you getting better.. Or wiser. ¬†Yes, I agree. Those things doesn’t come when you’re getting older, it earns from life experience and how each person learn from it.

But number –in this case is matter of age number– is a reminder that you’re not getting younger.. And you h√Ęve to live it every moments of your life with best effort b√©cause time never repeat.

Back to 33.

I won’t make it too burden for me

Maybe it’s won’t only the hard parts. But i hope it c√īmes also th√© happy parts.
Double happy
Double success
Double income (?) — halleluyaa Ameen! ūüėÄ

So, I whispered to myself “Happy Birthday dearest Me”
*puk-puk bahu sendiri*
“Be Strong, Be Happy, and always h√Ęve Faith and true heart”.
Today (27th of October)  is going to be mémorable .

 

28 Oct 2014

and..turn out that day indeed memorable.

Thank You God for your blessed and giving me good life, good families, good friends around me all those years.

untitled

“Yup! Kata orang penyesalan selalu datang terlambat. Kata itu kini menjadi¬†hantu yang menjadi mimpi burukku setiap malam. “Andai saja…” atau¬†“Kalau saja..” menjadi dua kalimat yang sangat aku harapkan bisa¬†menjadi kenyataan.

“Kamu itu udah egois, keras kepala pula..” begitu kamu sering berujar.¬†Keras kepala seperti batu, dan egois, hmmm…itu mungkin adalah salah dua¬†sifat jelek yang aku punya. Jangankan orang lain, aku sendiri pun sering¬†capek dengan diriku yang selalu seperti itu. Tapi entah kenapa, kamu bisa¬†tahan terhadap diriku. Kata kamu, sifat jelekku mengeluarkan efek positif¬†dari dirimu. Hahaha.. you make me ugly so you can look better.. damn you!

 

But that’s why we got along each other, right honey? Kamu menjadi sosok¬†yang membuatku bisa tersenyum bahkan ketika aku sedang sangat¬†menyebalkan.

“Baby, i love you so much, kalau aku bersamamu, dunia terasa milik¬†berdua, yang lain ngontrak” begitu kamu sering merayu. Aku tau dunia¬†bukan milik berdua, pertama ada ratusan juta orang di dunia ini, kedua,¬†karena ada sekian ratus laki yang mungkin akan berujar sama seperti¬†kamu. But, honey, i believe you! Meski rayuan kamu klise dan standar abis,

aku selalu percaya kamu. I believe we can create our own world, our own heaven.

Kadang kamu suka heran, kenapa aku sangat percaya kepadamu? Disaat kamu merasa dunia ini sangat berat dihadapi, kamu heran aku tetap percaya padamu. But honey, why wouldnt I? Mengapa tidak?

Kamu adalah bintang di hidupku. Kamu telah bersinar dihati dan di¬†duniaku. That’s why I’ll never lose my faith in you. Itu juga yang kini¬†membuatku bertahan saat kau tidak ada. But, honey, at first it was hard..

 

Surgaku seakan hancur…

Duniaku luluh lantak,

Kenapa kenyataan tidak selalu seperti yang aku inginkan.

Tapi akhirnya aku menerimanya. Aku menerima bahwa kita tidak lagi¬†bersama. Aku menerima memang sudah saatnya kamu pergi. It’s all right.¬†I know you’re out there. I believe it.

 

Apa kamu tahu kenapa sayang? Because you are my first star at night.

Sinarmu selalu menerangi diriku. Dan aku selalu teringat ketika kamu bilang aku adalah bumi untukmu. Awalnya aku tidak mengerti, namun kini aku tahu yang kamu maksudkan.

 

If I was your earth, then you are my soul satellite. And i’ll be so lost in space¬†without you.

 

So, i will not say goodbye to you my love, aku akan menganggap¬†perpisahan ini hanya sementara. Kita tetap akan memiliki surga kita sendiri.¬†I’ll never lose my faith in you..

 

So, i’ll say Au Revoir, but this isn’t goodbye..”

 

Perempuan itu meletakkan surat yang sudah ia tulis dan baca berulang-ulang. Ia membaca sekali lagi seakan-akan takut ada yang terlewat. Tapi semua sudah terkatakan dalam surat itu. Ia memasukkan ke dalam botol dan menyumbatnya dengan gabus. Lalu ia menatap nama di atas batu granit hitam seakan-akan tatapannya bisa membelai sosok yang kini hanya dalam kenangannya.

“Rest in peace my soul satellite. We’ll meet again” lalu perempuan itu¬†melangkah dengan pasti keluar dari areal pemakaman. Senyum samar¬†terbentuk di wajahnya.

 

-3 Apr 2011-

leaving
I refrain from talking at you

You know what I mean
It’s like walking in the heat all day with no water
It’s like waiting for a friend
Watching everybody else meet theirs on that corner
Or losing in an argument
Although you’re right, can’t get your thoughts in order

Still I refrain
From talking at you, talking on
You know me well
I don’t explain

But what the hell
Why do you think I come ’round here on my free will?
Wasting all my precious time
Oh, the truth spills out
And oooooo oh I’ve
I’ve told you now

You know what I mean
Although I try my best, I still let down the team
You’re everything I want,
Why should I resist when you are there for me?

Should I refrain
From talking at you, talking on
You know me well
I don’t explain

But what the hell
Why do you think I come ’round here on my free will?
Wasting all my precious time
Oh the truth spills out
And oooooo oh I’ve
I’ve told you now

 

 

– Sam Smith, I’ve told you now